Category Archives: General Madness

Conan The Barbarian

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“Mongol General: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?

Conan: To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women.“

Conan The Barbarian (1982)

I happened to be up at 3:00 AM and I flipped through the channels until I found Conan The Barbarian (2011) playing on SYFY. I missed most of the film but I got to see the final action sequence. And as Conan chased down the villains and strived to save the girl, I realized how different the various big-screen films about Conan have been and decided to write about it.

Conan The Barbarian, originally created by Robert E. Howard, has appeared in three films and two TV shows (one animated and one live-action both with the same name). I have seen all three films. I saw the first two in theaters when they came out. And the third on a video-on-demand service. (I’ve also seen a couple of episodes of the live-action TV show, Conan The Adventurer. It was bad. I’ve never seen the animated series.)

The first film, simply titled Conan The Barbarian, was released in 1982 and starred Arnold Schwarzenegger as the famous barbarian. It had an all-star cast including James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, Sandahl Bergman, and Mako. The plot follows the life and upbringing of Conan for the first half, and the second half follows Conan’s quest for love and revenge against the evil Thulsa Doom. The film, like many adaptations, takes many liberties with the original source material, but it is generally enjoyable and a fun ride. It is worth watching if you haven’t seen it or haven’t seen it in a while.

The second film, titled Conan The Destroyer was released in 1984 and also starred Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan. The second film was much closer to B-Movie quality but did bring back Mako as Conan’s crazy wizard friend. It also starred Grace Jones, André the Giant, and Wilt Chamberlain. The plot revolves around the resurrection of an ancient god called Dagon by an evil sorcerer queen. The story reads like a classic Dungeons and Dragons adventure with monsters, an evil wizard, dungeons, betrayal, and a cult. It is a bit of a predictable ride, but it is still fun and worth a watch. This is also my favorite of the three Conan films.

The third and final, so far, film is also titled Conan The Barbarian. It was released in 2011 and starred Jason Momoa as Conan. It also had a great cast including Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan, and Stephen Lang. The plot follows Conan’s life as he seeks revenge on the man who killed his tribe and Conan’s preventing the reunification and activation of a mask that contains the power of a god. The story takes plenty of liberties with the source material but is fun and adventurous. I personally think it is a great fantasy adventure and is as much a Conan film as the first two. I like it and recommend it, but a lot of fans of the original panned it.

In the end, I liked all of the Conan films and recommend them. They are all fun fantasy films and, frankly, I think the first two hold up pretty well. Check them out.

A Circus Every Saturday Night

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“Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the circus at the end of the world! Tonight, for your pleasure, we will laugh, and cry, and dance, and sing, but don’t worry! None of it means a thing!”

The Circus At the End of the World – Abney Park

I sit in my living room in my comfy chair watching Revenge Of The Creature (1955) as I write this. Am I watching TCM or FXM? Nope. I’m watching Svengoolie.

So what is Svengoolie? Svengoolie is a horror host. More specifically, he is a character on a TV show that shows classic (and not so classic) horror and science fiction movies. The show, of the same name, is currently aired nationally on MeTV and locally in the Chicago area

What is a horror host? Well, a horror host is a TV personality that hosts horror movies. They usually introduce the film then break-in before or after the commercial breaks and give you info on the film or make fun of it or both. Other examples of horror hosts are Elvira and Joe Bob Briggs.

I’ve loved horror hosts and classic horror films since I was a child. I watched many classic horror and science fiction films on the Vegas Vampire’s show growing up. I still love horror hosts and the classics of horror and science fiction. Hence watching Svengoolie every week.

I could type all night about classic horror films and horror hosts, but instead, I’ll point you at good sources for information on the topic horror hosts:

And finally, I’ll leave you with the Trailer for American Scary:

My Inner Poet

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So yesterday, I took one of those silly internet quizzes. (If you follow me on Facebook, you know I take a lot of silly internet quizzes.) The topic of this one was “Who is your Inner Poet”. After I answered questions like “pick a color” and “who would you rather smoke a bowl with Che Guevara, a bored llama, or Cthulhu” and “Pick an cute animal”, I received my answer: Charles Bukowski.

Now before I explain how I had no idea who Charles Bukowski was, let me in my defense say, I am not ignorant to world of poetry and poets. I like most people was exposed to the classics in school: Whitman, Cummings, Poe, Dickinson, Shakespeare, etc. But also like most people, I was to young to appreciate poetry when I was in school. I have grown a greater appreciation of poetry as an adult, but I have found that I enjoy the work very few poets. Most recently, I have found myself reading (and enjoying) the work of Michael A. Arnzen, Robert E. Howard (yes, Howard wrote more than just Conan and Solomon Kane stories, and he was an excellent poet), Milton, Dickinson, and Poe. All that being said to say I am not ignorant of poetry, but I had never heard of Charles Bukowski.

Now because it was an internet quiz, I could have just said “whatever” and went on with my life, but so some reason I became intrigued and headed over to the knower of all things the NSA, er… … I mean Google. Google lead me to Charles Bukowski website (http://bukowski.net/) where I learned that Bukowski was poet, artist, writer, postal worker, and odd, provocative character who’s life reminds me a bit of Earnest Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson. His site also has a lot of poetry, a bibliography of his books, his FBI file, interviews, articles, etc. I read a few of his poems there. I enjoyed a poem titled “Locks” the best.

Based on all I have learn of Charles Bukowski may actually be my inner poet (curse you internet quizzes for knowing me so well), but as Mojo Nixon said about the Elvis in Joan Rivers, “but he’s trying to get out, man! He’s trying to get out!”