Sewer Elves

Here is a story I have shopped around a bit with no success that I wrote as an exercise in The Yard Gnome Army Fiction Writer’s Boot Camp (taught by author Jeremy C. Shipp). Since I have not posted anything here in a couple of weeks and I really want to try and get in on Friday Flash on the Twitter (#fridayflash), I figured I’d put it up here. Enjoy!

Sewer Elves

By

Taylor Kent

Damn sewer elves. What? You don’t know what sewer elves are? Well let me tell you they didn’t used to be a problem. Hell, back in my day we didn’t even have sewer elves. We had gators. You hear me, gators. Yeah, some kid would buy a baby alligator as a pet and then it would take a nip at him or get a little big and then it was the old flush-a-roo. Yeah, right down the toilet into the sewers. I shit you not. It happened all the time. Gators could be found in the sewers of all the cities in America. Even the small town starting having problems.

These gators would eat sewage and get all mutant crazy and stuff. And then dogs and cats would disappear. And then kids and old people. Gators started grabbing people right off the streets. It got so bad that the gators would grab people in broad day light. I shit you not.

What? So what this got to do with elves? Well that’s a good question. A good question. You see things got so crazy in the city, and I mean New York City, that the citizens basically got a mob together and told the mayor they were going to hang his ass if he didn’t get rid of the gators. You never heard about that? Well, trust me it happened. I shit you not.

Well, the mayor, Johnson or maybe Anderson I don’t exactly remember, was an odd guy. He was rumored to be into black magic or Voodoo or Scientology or some other evil shit. Well he called up the Devil… What? No, not on the phone. What?! You think you can just look up The Devil in the phone book. No, the mayor used some Hoodoo ritual or something and raised up The Devil. And the Mayor and The Devil struck a deal to get rid of the Gators. That deal was that the Devil would send some Elves to hunt down all the Gators in all the sewers. I shit you not.

Well as per usual, The Devil is crafty. And well the Mayor wasn’t so smart. So the Mayor didn’t think about what would happen when all the Gators were gone. And now those little, winged, arrow shooting bastards have filled up the sewers. And without any gators to eat they are out hunting people at night. I shit you not. Elves hunt down people in the streets and drag them down into the sewers.

You ever wonder why it always smells like roast pork these days? Well, that cause they roast their victims.

I’ve seen them. Sleeping in this box in this alley, I see lots of things. And I have seen them elves rise out the sewers glowing all sickly green with fluttering bug wings. I’ve seen them elves stalk up behind their victims all silent like. I’ve seen them drag their victims, living and dead, back down to their lairs.

Sometime they call out to me. Sometime they cry. But they always go down and are never seen again.

Why don’t they take me? I’m working with them elves. I help ’em. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to get roasted down in those sewer pipes.

And now they’re here for you.

Right behind you!

I shit you not.

Story copyright 2010 by Michael Taylor Kent.

Freedom of Religion?

In the wake of the decision by a group Muslims in New York city to built a “community center” across from “Ground Zero” (the site of the attack on the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001), I find, yet again, that I am under fire by my fellow Christians and political conservatives. Some say I am losing or betraying my Christian faith. Others say I am being un-American. This all because I am not willing to say that they, Muslims, can not build their “community center” or mosque or a holy building on private property that border “Ground Zero”. So I am writing this to set the record straight about my take on the issue as an American and a Christian.

As to the “Ground Zero Mosque” as it is being called, I can not come up with a legal, note that word – legal, argument based on the current laws of the city of New York, state of New York, or United States of America to prevent the construction of said building. There may very well be a legitimate legal argument that I am not aware of, but, so far, no one has articulated one. On the other hand, I believe that the Imam, who is heading up the project, Feisal Rauf , has shown questionable judgement in wanted to build a his religious building at the site of an attack on the United States by Muslims. Yes, I admit that the Muslims who carried out the attacks on September 11th, 2001 were radical fanatics (and frankly more politically motivated than religiously as far as I can tell), but many American’s don’t make a distinction between the Islamic fanatics and regular everyday Muslims. (That is an education issue that will not be solved by building an Islamic community center or mosque at “Ground Zero”.) But, to be completely honest, I have to wonder if the creator’s of this building true underlying motivations are really about reconciliation and peace and education. If that were true, wouldn’t Feisal Rauf be willing to move his project rather than pour salt in still unhealed wounds of 9/11, especially after seeing the division and anger that this project is causing? Is there something to the idea that this is equivalent to planting a flag on ground that has conquered? Is this an attempt to force America to go to war with Islam? I can’t truly, say, but it does make me wonder.

And on the subject of this same Feisal Rauf telling America they need to be Sharia Law compliant, which seems to have become intermixed with the “Ground Zero Mosque” issue, I say “No”. (I see these as separated issues.) This is the same answer I give to the Christians who wish to install a Christian theocracy in American. If you want to live in a country that has enacted Sharia Law as the law of the land, then move to one. There are plenty of them in the world such as Saudi Arabia and Iran. America was founded as a nation of freedom, which, like it or not, includes religious freedom for all faiths. As long as those faiths are practiced within the bounds of the laws of the localities, states, and the United States of American (i.e., if you stone a women to death for committing adultery, you will be sent to prison for murder whether it is okay in your religious belief system or not.) And becoming Sharia Law compliant would violate the United States Constitution as well as many of the core concepts at the heart of this nation.

Now as a Christian how am I supposed to react? Well, I guess if I take the example of many of my fellow Christians, I am supposed to get mad and lobby my government representatives and protest with signs and condemn Islam, etc. And yet, I look at the life of Jesus, and I don’t see it. What I do see is:

Jesus told us to love and pray for our enemies.

Jesus told us to turn the other cheek when attacked.

Jesus told us to love our neighbors as ourselves.

I don’t remember reading about Jesus lobbying the religious and political bodies to fix things. I don’t remember Jesus telling to us take up signs and protest when I don’t agree with what someone wants or what someone is doing. And I don’t remember Jesus telling me, or showing me through example, to use the force of law to spread his message via forcing people to behave a particular way. Laws don’t change hearts, and God has made it clear he is about what your believe in your heart not how you behave. (Although, your behavior should proceed from what you believe.)

Unfortunately, surveys have shown over and over again some of the most patriotic Americans are Evangelical Christians. These are people who have being convinced of the lie that America is a Christian nation. These are people who believe that defending there faith includes defending America. Well, I am sorry to be the one to break it to you, but America is not a Christian nation, and defending America is not defending Christianity.

America is not a magical replacement for Israel.

America was not founded as a Christian nation. (Although the first settlers in what has become the United States of America were Christians seeking freedom from religious oppression.)

Again America is, at least for the time being, a nation of freedom, which includes religious freedom for all faiths including but not exclusive to: Christianity, Judaism, Scientology, Satanism, Atheism, Wicca, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Pastafarians, and those who worship of the color purple.

Now let me be clear, I am not a universalist. I believe in the exclusivity of Christianity. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the only path to salvation. But I also believe in freewill, which means that, whether I like it or not, you can believe what you want. I will pray for those who don’t know Jesus (and those who do.) I will try very hard love those who don’t know Jesus (and those who do.) And when opportunity presents itself, I will share the Gospel of Jesus with those who don’t know Jesus. But I will not try and force people to “believe” in Jesus through fear, force of law, or violence. And I will stand against attempts by any religious groups to install a Theocracy in America, Christian or Islamic or otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not happy about the “Ground Zero Mosque” or community center or whatever they are saying it is being built. And I question the motivation of Feisal Rauf related to this project, but I don’t see a legal means to stop it. The city of New York could change the zoning of the propriety in question, or the state of New York could pass a new law to prevent the building of this “community center” or mosque, if they really wanted to. (Either of which would not violate the Constitution because not having this one building will not prevent Muslims from practicing there religion.)

I will pray for all those involved in this “Ground Zero Mosque” frenzy. But I am not going to participate in the angry protests and media fueled fervor around this issue outside of this post. (Honestly, I expect that once the media circus dies down around this issues, the city and/or state of New York will quietly make this issue go away; but only time will tell.)

So in the end, am I betraying my faith or being un-American? No, I would say I am doing my best to represent both in the difficult times in which we live.

Deep Blue: A Review

Deep Blue – Unabridged Audiobook
by David Niall Wilson
Narrated by Chris Patton

Published by Crossroad Press and SpringBrook Audio

Disclosure Notice: I received a copy of this audiobook from Crossroad Press and the Author, David Niall Wilson, for review purposes.

There are stories I will never forget. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien, Terminal by Brian Keene, A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole, Vacation by Jeremy C Shipp, and Tortilla Flat by John Steinbeck among a few others. And now I am adding Deep Blue by David Niall Wilson to that list. I have read (or listened to) a lot of good stories in my life, but Deep Blue, much like those others listed above, is one of those rare great stories. A story that leaves a mark (or marks) and touches you in ways you didn’t expect.

Deep Blue is the story of a group of musicians, a band if you like, who are drawn into the cosmic battle between good and evil most unwittingly by Brandt, the drunken guitarist and lead singer of the band. His chance encounter with a blues harmonica player in an random alley during the wee hours of the morning changes his life and lives of his friends forever. This change leads them through a series of supernatural music events to a showdown with the ultimate evil in the small religious town of “Friendly” California.

I will talk about the audio recording of this novel in a moment, but I have a few more things I want to say about the story itself first. This is the kinda story that can and should make some one’s career. The characters are deep and rich. The scenes and events flow into each other with precision. Nothing feels tacked on, everything makes sense together: music, religion, fate, pain, good, evil, coffee, patterns, etc. This just book works, and works well. I can’t say enough about it (and I did say more when I interview the author for my podcast, which will be released on August 31st 2010 at http://thesnarkyavenger.com.) (Yeah I just plugged my podcast, you got a problem with that?) So go get a copy audio, ebook, or print; and read (or listen to) it.

The audio recording of Deep Blue is top notch. Chris Patton, who is apparently a voice acting machine, did an incredible job reading this book. The reading is crisp and clean. All the characters have unique voices, and the voice’s for the female characters sound like women (not like a man with a five o’clock shadow and black chest hair in a strapless, slinky red dress and a blond wig trying to sound like a woman. Not that I am saying that Chris Patton wears slinky red dresses and blond wig or has a five o’clock shadow; or that I know anything about men who do.) The unabridged audio edition of Deep Blue is very good and, if you’re into audiobooks, should not be missed.

So I give Deep Blue 6 out of 5 snark bites for the story, and 4 out of 5 snark bites for the audio. (It would have gotten 5 out of 5 snark bite for the audio except for a few minor flaws and a few mispronounced words. Yeah, I’m a little picky about stuff sometimes.) And overall I would give it 5 out of 5 snark bites, so go check it out a Crossroad Press right now.